Rush Month

Rush Month Has Begun

This year I am a sophomore which means I can officially rush. The downside about my college is that it doesn't have national chapters. There are no sorority houses or anything like that. I forgot to mention is that we don't call them fraternities, or sororities, at my college they call them clubs. Which I think is stupid but who listens to me.

So the girls' clubs at my school are: Gamma Rho, Theta Theta Theta, Iota Kappa Phi, Pi Zeta Phi, and Lambda Chi Zeta. 

I am planning on rushing Theta, Gamma or Pi. Theta is my #1 choice! I absolutely love the club in its entirety 

One year of experience

I have one year of college under my belt and it was different, different from what I ever thought college was going to be. College was stressful. I never had time to stop and admire anything around me. I guess I shouldn't have expected so much, especially as a Cellular and molecular biology major. Quite the mouthful is it not? 

People say "College, now those are the years you remember!" Honestly, I think they were exaggerating. I kinda hope I don't remember it so far. I only told two people this but I miserable. And my grades reflected it. I don't want to go back at all, but I kinda have no choice I don't know where else to go. But if this second year goes just as bad, I'm gonna have to call it quits and transfer out. 

I wish I could say I had an amazing time, but I would be lying to you and most importantly, myself. I met great people don't get me wrong but it's not enough to make me happy. I cried like all the time, I have never been so unhappy and displeased with my life. I'm usually a go getter, optimistic, always laughing. Everything this year felt forced, a facade so people wouldn't ask me what was wrong. 

I'm scared about this second year, well more like completely terrified. I'm trying to not be, I want to look forward to this upcoming year, but it's hard. I really, really hope it goes well. 

Moving On is Hard.

Getting over you is the hardest thing to do.
You don't seem to care for me.
I fell for your smile, your laugh, your intelligence, and most importantly how comfortable I felt around you,
But you don't care for me.
How could I wait around any longer for something I knew wasn't going to happen?
I tried to be myself around you, but I didn't feel accepted by you.
I fooled myself into thinking we had some special connection,
But I want to thank you for opening me up to love,
I didn't know I could care for someone like that.

If in the future you do grow to like me, or even love me,
I hope it's soon, because I'm ready to move on,
And once I move on I won't look back.

Self-Portrait

I found a poem yesterday at the library in downtown Oklahoma City.
It's called Self-Portrait by Robert Creeley.

He wants to be
a brutal old man,
an agressive old man,
as dull, as brutal
as the emptiness around him,

He doesn't want compromise,
nor to be ever nice
to anyone. Just mean,
and final in his brutal,
his total, rejection of it all.

He tried the sweet,
the gentle, the "oh,
let's hold hand together"
and it was awful,
dull, brutally inconsequential.

Now he'll stand on
his own dwindling legs.
His arms, his skin,
shrink daily. And
he loves, but hates equally.

New Citizen of the Adult World

I wish I would remember to write every day on this blog, but I don't.

Anyways, the last time I wrote on here I had less than 2 months away till high school graduation, well I'm passed that moment in my life and it was pretty amazing. It was weird seeing all my friends walking across that stage, and nerve-wrecking when Mr. Arreola called my name; it was surreal and perfect, every moment of it. It still hasn't hit me that I won't see all my friends on a regular basis. Every time my mind thinks about it, it doesn't seem real to me. I still think that in August I'll be back in high school with everyone that I've been with my whole childhood. And when I think about everyone moving on and not being a part of their every day lives, it makes me really sad honestly. Every part of me wants to hang on to the last 18 years of my life and not grow up, and have everyone here with me, but life isn't like that, at some point we have to leave our parents and friends and start fresh. I seriously hope the people I do call best friends don't forget about me, and want to hang out with me and want me to still be in their lives as much as I want them to be in mine. Everything every teacher and parent has prepared me for is here. It's 20 days away. I hope it goes fine, that I won't crumble along the way. And if everything goes fine, with the exception of a couple bumps along the road, I hope I end up doing what I've always dreamed of doing. Hopefully my mind doesn't become clouded with idiot boys, or relentless outings out on the town. I hope it goes fine. 

Being an adult is so scary and so exciting. 

Sincerely,

New Citizen of the Adult World. 

P.S.: If someone out there is reading this absurd blog, wish me all the luck in world, I maybe your doctor some day! 

Ready or Not?

What if I was able to change the world? What if I was able to stop every bad thing
occurring in this universe all at once? If only I could stop mankind inhumane ways, but I
can’t; instead everyone has to endure the cruelty of the human race. If only things were
simple like they were when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, or when cavemen were figuring
out what fire was, or even when I was a child and my biggest worry was picking out what
candy I wanted, but no, know the world views me as an adult. Am I ready to be called an
adult? Every pre-teen in this world awaits the day they turn eighteen, but what is so great
about it? Voting? Freedom? No, the only thing that comes with being a legal adult is more
responsibility. We have to get jobs to get through college with as little debt as possible. We are
now legally charged as adults in any crime we are to commit. Not that I, or anyone else for
that matter, wants to commit a crime. There is no one holding our hands, reminding us what
to do, or correcting our mistakes. We our now held accountable for our actions, and that is
terrifying. The thought that no one but me can be blamed for what I do scares me in every
way possible. Before if I did something wrong it would be a teacher or a parents being
blamed, now the weight of my world falls on my shoulders, not my parents. Now, entering
college, having to pick a major that will possibly alter the course of my life, deciding what will
become of me in the future is what I have to look forward now. I wish I could be a child
again, but I can never go back to a world of simplicity. Why I ever wanted to become an
adult, I don’t know, but that was foolish of me. I shouldn’t have believed how T.V. portrayed
an adult. All of that is fiction. This is reality, the thought that in a couple of months, I will be
on my own; no more home cooked meals, or laundry being done for me, no one ironing my
clothes, or paying for me. Everything is changing, and that change is coming fast. It’s hard to
handle, but I have to manage through. All my plans have changed,  the college I will now be
attending was never one that I would think of applying to many years ago. If everything is
based on a system of fate, then I believe I will have great disappointments in life, not because
I am a horrible person, or have done bad things, I just could have done things better. If my
past self could see me now, I don’t think they’d want me to be their role model, and each day I
try to change, but there are so many obstacles that stand in the way of that. If I could
accomplish everything that I had planned eight years ago for myself, become valedictorian,
straight A, full ride to college, boyfriend, pretty much everything everyone in high school
wishes for I would be pleased in some weird sitcom teenage reality sort of way, but at this
point nothing is possible. Destiny and Fate are cruel and could care less for peoples’ plans and
dreams, but instead tear you down in every way possible, but in the end your a better person
than you were before.

Regret

I hide my feelings and I keep things to myself. It's my biggest flaw; I regret it so much.
I wish I was able to tell the guy I like, that I like him. Every time I start typing away what I want to tell him I end up backspacing the truth away. I wish I could yell it at the top of my lungs. I hate myself; why can't I be confident like those girls on T.V? It's fiction, but why can't it be reality? I have 8 months left to say something before we go our separate ways; before we walk across the stage and grab our diplomas. What then? I don't want to look back and regret it my entire life; I don't want it to linger in the back of my head, I don't want it to be my "what if..." in life. I think I'm also afraid of being rejected. I don't take rejection well; it depends on the situation. I don't expect to marry this guy, but you never know what life has in store for you. I just don't want to regret not saying anything.